I haven't written lately, and I'm sorry. I know I said I would and I haven't been. I'm writing now more for myself than for anyone else.
It's eight days until my surgery, and I am scared to death. I go from being terrified, like right now, to having almost no fear, to being right in the middle somewhere. Right now, I'm incredibly scared. I'm not scared of the surgery itself, mostly because I trust my doctor, and I know there are risks associated with any surgery, but these are minimal. I'm scared more for after the surgery. How will I feel when I wake up? How much help will I need to do simple things like get around the house or make myself something to eat? How long will it take until I feel normal? And most of all, will this surgery even work?
That's the one that scares me the most. He says that it's an 85-90% chance that I will have profound relief in my pain, but there's still a small chance I won't. You hear that all the time, about people who have had back surgery that hadn't worked. That's such a huge fear of mine. My life is shit right now. I'm 26 years old and I live like an invalid. I'm in constant pain and it affects everything I do. I absolutely hate it. This surgery is supposed to be my saving grace, and if it isn't, I don't know what I will do. I really don't.
