I haven't written lately, and I'm sorry. I know I said I would and I haven't been. I'm writing now more for myself than for anyone else.
It's eight days until my surgery, and I am scared to death. I go from being terrified, like right now, to having almost no fear, to being right in the middle somewhere. Right now, I'm incredibly scared. I'm not scared of the surgery itself, mostly because I trust my doctor, and I know there are risks associated with any surgery, but these are minimal. I'm scared more for after the surgery. How will I feel when I wake up? How much help will I need to do simple things like get around the house or make myself something to eat? How long will it take until I feel normal? And most of all, will this surgery even work?
That's the one that scares me the most. He says that it's an 85-90% chance that I will have profound relief in my pain, but there's still a small chance I won't. You hear that all the time, about people who have had back surgery that hadn't worked. That's such a huge fear of mine. My life is shit right now. I'm 26 years old and I live like an invalid. I'm in constant pain and it affects everything I do. I absolutely hate it. This surgery is supposed to be my saving grace, and if it isn't, I don't know what I will do. I really don't.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Now it's real...
I decided to start a blog. It's been a while since I've written regularly, and since I've been going through so much as of late, I want to document it for future reference. There may be some things in here that people don't agree with, or that might offend some, but I'm going to be as honest and open as possible. Writing can be very cathartic, and I'm not going to censor myself, because then there's really no use in having this blog.
As most of you know, I've been going through multiple health problems that started in June of 2010. Although we still have no diagnosis and have no idea why they all happened, they have mostly cleared up. My main concern and main source of pain now is my lower back. I have a spondylolisthesis, a broken vertebrae, and an arthritic disc, all in my lower back. A spondy, in short, is a vertebrae that has actually been pushed off the spinal column. It is my very bottom vertebrae. That same vertebrae is also broken, and is constantly moving around, causing constant pain. Finally, the disc between the bottom vertebrae and the one above it is completely worn away.
Anyway, I have tried chiropractic care, multiple injections, and have explored other avenues. The final consensus is that the only permanent fix for my condition is back surgery, more specifically, a one-level spinal fusion. Today, I finally got the date for said surgery: Tuesday, February 28, 2012 at University Hospital in Madison, WI.
To say I am scared would be an understatement. I've been through many procedures in the last two years, but I've never had major surgery. Apparently there are no neurological risks associated with my surgery because it is so low on the spine. My orthopedic surgeon said the only great risk is infection, which is true with any surgery. I'm also worried that the problem may not be fixed. Back surgery, as I've heard, sometimes doesn't work, and that scares the hell out of me. I don't think surgery could make the pain worse, but it definitely could be the same.
The surgery itself doesn't scare me really, it's the recovery. Apparently, before I can get back to work full time AT A DESK, it will be twelve weeks, or three months. That is an insanely long time to be down and out, and to expect people to help me. I am incredibly lucky and have many great friends and family, not to mention an amazing partner in Jason, but that's so intimidating. That will also be three months without me bringing in any income whatsoever. Luckily that will be right around tax time, which will help, but it's going to be tight. During my entire recovery, I will be sending out resumes and applications to any and every job I can find that is associated with my degree, and I will hopefully find something good as I am able to get back on my feet.
Living in constant pain is so incredibly debilitating. My good friend Donna from work just found out she has a slipped disc in her neck, and she told me she now knows how awful and agonizing it is to live this way. She's only had to endure this pain for a couple weeks now, she told me she cannot imagine what I have been going through for the last six months. Luckily there are pills I can take, and do take, but it kind of makes me feel like a junkie. They make me have ridiculous mood swings, one minute I'm irritated and upset, the next, I'm crying my eyes out for no reason. It's so hard. People are being wonderful, they try to empathize, and sympathize, and listen to me when I need to talk, but it's just so hard to explain. My quality of life is so poor now that I don't feel like a 26-year-old college graduate, I feel like a 62-year-old arthritic old woman who doesn't leave her home. People say they understand, and I know they want to, and understand some, but it's impossible to truly know.
I don't want a pity party, I really don't. And I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone so they can know what I AM going through. I just want people to know, to realize, how lucky they are every day they get out of bed without crippling pain.
I will try to write every day, keep everyone updated on my condition. Feel free to read if you want, this is mostly for me, my own kind of self-prescribed therapy. I would love you to read, and love to hear any comments if you are so inclined.
Thanks for reading.
As most of you know, I've been going through multiple health problems that started in June of 2010. Although we still have no diagnosis and have no idea why they all happened, they have mostly cleared up. My main concern and main source of pain now is my lower back. I have a spondylolisthesis, a broken vertebrae, and an arthritic disc, all in my lower back. A spondy, in short, is a vertebrae that has actually been pushed off the spinal column. It is my very bottom vertebrae. That same vertebrae is also broken, and is constantly moving around, causing constant pain. Finally, the disc between the bottom vertebrae and the one above it is completely worn away.
Anyway, I have tried chiropractic care, multiple injections, and have explored other avenues. The final consensus is that the only permanent fix for my condition is back surgery, more specifically, a one-level spinal fusion. Today, I finally got the date for said surgery: Tuesday, February 28, 2012 at University Hospital in Madison, WI.
To say I am scared would be an understatement. I've been through many procedures in the last two years, but I've never had major surgery. Apparently there are no neurological risks associated with my surgery because it is so low on the spine. My orthopedic surgeon said the only great risk is infection, which is true with any surgery. I'm also worried that the problem may not be fixed. Back surgery, as I've heard, sometimes doesn't work, and that scares the hell out of me. I don't think surgery could make the pain worse, but it definitely could be the same.
The surgery itself doesn't scare me really, it's the recovery. Apparently, before I can get back to work full time AT A DESK, it will be twelve weeks, or three months. That is an insanely long time to be down and out, and to expect people to help me. I am incredibly lucky and have many great friends and family, not to mention an amazing partner in Jason, but that's so intimidating. That will also be three months without me bringing in any income whatsoever. Luckily that will be right around tax time, which will help, but it's going to be tight. During my entire recovery, I will be sending out resumes and applications to any and every job I can find that is associated with my degree, and I will hopefully find something good as I am able to get back on my feet.
Living in constant pain is so incredibly debilitating. My good friend Donna from work just found out she has a slipped disc in her neck, and she told me she now knows how awful and agonizing it is to live this way. She's only had to endure this pain for a couple weeks now, she told me she cannot imagine what I have been going through for the last six months. Luckily there are pills I can take, and do take, but it kind of makes me feel like a junkie. They make me have ridiculous mood swings, one minute I'm irritated and upset, the next, I'm crying my eyes out for no reason. It's so hard. People are being wonderful, they try to empathize, and sympathize, and listen to me when I need to talk, but it's just so hard to explain. My quality of life is so poor now that I don't feel like a 26-year-old college graduate, I feel like a 62-year-old arthritic old woman who doesn't leave her home. People say they understand, and I know they want to, and understand some, but it's impossible to truly know.
I don't want a pity party, I really don't. And I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone so they can know what I AM going through. I just want people to know, to realize, how lucky they are every day they get out of bed without crippling pain.
I will try to write every day, keep everyone updated on my condition. Feel free to read if you want, this is mostly for me, my own kind of self-prescribed therapy. I would love you to read, and love to hear any comments if you are so inclined.
Thanks for reading.
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